Oh, hey. Remember me? I used to blog here. But then I had this health issue creep up, mess with my brain, and then my heart. It has caused me to put aside things like blogging, but I often think about it. In the next couple of days I will post the story of this week's ordeal. Thanks to all of you who have prayed for my family and me. We love and appreciate you all! However, today is March 1st which means it is time for you faithful scripture memorizers to post your verses, and I've got a treat for you.
Jamie and I have been friends for 16 years. We met after I had graduated college. Through time together in East Asia, Jamie's unbelievable connection with Esther, and a common love for Jesus our friendship grew very quickly. In my mind, she has been part of my family for 16 years, loving us, serving us, talking deeply with us, laughing with us, causing us to laugh. She is a true life-long friend. I'm excited to share her with you through this guest post. She is so wise, deeply loves God and seeks Him through His word as part of her daily routine.
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Unbelief.
It’s something we all battle at various seasons of life. Believing God is hard. Do we trust Him to provide, to do, to be all that we need? What about the things we long for? Our deepest desires?
While believing Him is hard, not believing Him is harder AND it’s life-stealing, dishonoring, and sinful. Unbelief causes us to fret, to manipulate, to worry, and to rely only on the seen. And, friends, what we see is so very limited.
A few years ago, I was in a season of unbelief. Moving from Asia to California to start grad school was overwhelming but the biggest worry I had was finances. My tuition bill was more than my income level and I could not see how I would have enough financing to survive. I was panicked and even contemplated quitting just two months into the program. I was stuck in unbelief. At my breaking point, I distinctly remember telling God, “This is yours....I can not see how this is going to happen, but I’m choosing to believe You will provide all I need.”
God not only provided abundantly for my needs but through His provision he healed me of some unbelief. He showed me that He can, He will, and He wants to provide for me and He restored momentum in my relationship with Him. I haven’t battled unbelief about finances since then.
I recently started a PhD program in Virginia. Again, I had to move from Asia, leaving friendships behind. And, once again, I find myself in a season of unbelief. This time, however, my unbelief lies deeper than material worries. At the core, deep within, I don’t believe or trust God to answer the longings of my heart. I just don’t.
My first semester in “PhD school” (as my mom calls it) didn’t leave time for reflection (or much of anything for that matter). As a result, any thoughts I had about this current season of challenges were pushed to the side to deal with later. Again, I was stuck. It wasn’t until I had some downtime over the long winter break that I was able to outwardly articulate just some of what was going on in my heart. I was very honest with God and told Him that I didn’t trust Him with certain areas of my life.
God answered my honesty with His own:
“And he did not do many mighty works there,
because of their unbelief.”
Matthew 13:58 (ESV)
After reading this verse, there was a pause (a halting, jolting, “Jamie, I’m talking to you” pause) in my spirit. And I’ve been meditating on that verse since.
Meditation and memorization are two parts of the same discipline. Quickly memorizing a verse for the sole purpose of being able to quote it leads to a head full of knowledge but a heart unchanged by His Word. Meditating on His Word unlocks Truth that will seep into your heart and (hopefully) spillover into your life. I love the juxtaposition of motion evident in the practice of meditation. In order to gain momentum, we have to pause, to wait, to be still. God restores our momentum, not us. Though He does expect us to be actively involved in the restoration process.
My mind has this verse memorized. My mouth can quote it. But, by meditating on it, I’m hoping that my life will soon reflect it (well, in this case, the opposite of it). I don’t want God to ever say to me that He intentionally did not do mighty works in my life because I didn’t believe Him. During this season, I am also asking for His forgiveness for not believing Him. I am asking Him to surprise me. And I am waiting for Him to restore me.
Is there a verse that you have memorized that you need to meditate on? Does your life reflect the Truth you are memorizing? Why are you memorizing verses.....to what end? What areas of your life does God want to heal through your active meditation? Will you let God maximize your life’s momentum through His Word?
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I hope you will take time to answer the questions Jamie posed. Many of you know Jeremiah 17:7-8 is what I have been meditating on since September. God has used it in my life through this season to teach me that He is my Sure Foundation.
I'm still working on Isaiah 40:11 for March. Hopefully, I will get it down!
Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
8 important comments so far. What are your thoughts?
"In order to gain momentum, we have to pause, to wait, to be still."
This is something I find so hard in my life, but so good when I do it. Thanks for being vulnerable Jamie. And thanks for the reminder. :)
I finally finished Romans 12! I'm going to work on Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
I love the reminder to meditate on God's word and let it seep in, then spillover in my life. Thank you Jamie, for sharing openly your story. I know it helps me pray for my own areas of unbelief, and I'm sure others are encouraged as well.
I am still working on 1 Peter 5:10.
"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast."
Thank you so much for your honesty and wisdom Jamie. I will definitely be sitting on and thinking through many parts of this post in the weeks to come.
To be honest, memorizing the past 2 months has been pretty fruitless due to me piling stuff on myself and not actively listening to the Spirit. I am guessing that's why I haven't been able to truly memorize and meditate on the verses i've chosen. So, we're switching gears and going with what I have been really wanting to memorize, especially this month.
"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."
Psalm 51:8-10
Wow, my brain is on overload as it is adjusting. But this was such a soothing post to read. Thank you Jamie. I learned so much about God's provision when I was in South Sudan. It's amazing how when all the comforts of food, community and safety are stripped from you that God's Word becomes so much more alive in your life. My prayer since coming home is that I would take an active and vested committment to His word to not become apathetic about it. As I transition into my new normal here, these verses from Isaiah 60 have just called my heart to action:
v. 1-2 ~ "Arise, shine; for your Light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. For behold, darkness will cover the earth and deep darkness the peoples. But the Lord will rise upon you and His glory will appear upon you."
Thank you, Jamie. This is beautiful, open, honest and true, and it speaks to the waves tossed in my heart this last season. I feel at times like I'm in the ring, bucking, unbroken and stubborn - and at other times that he leads me blindfolded the way you blindfold flighty horses, quietly, because he knows that seeing the terrain more clearly will only hinder following. I struggle with believing selfishly and believing in God's purposes for their own sake...with letting him shape and mold those desires.
I have found, if nothing else through this season, that God is indeed faithful, loving, and quick to answer. That God loves me not for my merit, but from His character - and His character does not fail. It is such a season of irony, that one should learn steadfastness and faithfulness from struggling through the very same things. But I can say with determination, if not always with surpassing and careless joy, that I know that my God is good. "He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them." (Psalm 145:19)
Take care, sweet friend!!
Thanks to you all for your kind words of affirmation! jamie
Hey, that is such a treat! I love hearing the side of Jamie, and believe that a pro-blogger job will open up should she drop out of PhD school.
Just filling in some gaps with the parts of Philippians 2 that I already have memorized:
Philippians 2:14-16, NIV
Do Everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, "children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation." Then you will shine among them like starts in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.
P.S. By filling in the gaps, I am hoping that some day in the future it will be brought to mind and used at just the right time....
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